Facts vs. Stories: Before Your Next Difficult Conversation

When a manager calls me before a tough conversation, I almost always hear some version of the same thing. “She doesn’t care.” “He’s checked out.” “They’re just lazy.” They say it with total confidence, like it’s a fact we both already agree on. Sound familiar?

Here’s what I’ve learned from working alongside managers in these moments: those statements may feel true, but they aren’t facts. They’re conclusions. And when we walk into a conversation with the conclusion already formed, it quickly turns into an argument about intent instead of a discussion about what actually happened.

There’s a simpler way to prepare.

Separate the Facts from the Story

A fact is something you could have observed, heard, measured, or documented. A story is the meaning we attach to it. Here’s what that looks like:

• Fact: Three client reports were submitted after the agreed deadline.

  
  

  Story: She clearly doesn’t care about the client.

• Fact: He interrupted two colleagues several times during Monday’s meeting.

  
  

  Story: He doesn’t respect anyone on the team.

• Fact: She has arrived after her scheduled start time four times this month.

  
  

  Story: She isn’t committed to the job.

The distinction matters because you can have a productive conversation about observable behaviour. It is much harder to have one about someone’s supposed motives. You can’t argue someone out of a motive they never admitted to having.

Curiosity Is Not Weakness

Plenty of managers worry that asking questions will make them look uncertain. In my experience, it usually does the opposite. A good manager can be completely clear about what happened while staying open to information they don’t have yet.

Instead of: “You clearly don’t care about deadlines.”

Try: “The report was due Friday and came in Tuesday. Walk me through what happened.”

Instead of: “Your attitude has been really negative lately.”

Try: “In the last two meetings, you interrupted Jane several times and walked out before the meeting ended. What’s going on?”

Notice that the manager is still addressing the issue. They just aren’t pretending to know what’s happening inside someone else’s head.

The Goal Isn’t to Win

The goal is to understand what happened, clarify what’s expected, and decide what happens next.

Sometimes the explanation will change how you see the situation. Sometimes it won’t. An employee may have a perfectly understandable reason for what happened, or they may simply not have met the expectation. Either way, asking gives you better information, and better information leads to better decisions.

Try This First

Before your next difficult conversation, write down what happened using only what you could have observed, heard, measured, or documented. Then look at everything else on the page. If it involves guessing what someone thinks, feels, believes, or intends, it’s a story, not a fact.

You can always ask. You just can’t assume.